When Escape Is Not An Option

I've gone back and forth about writing here lately, because I didn't want my blogs to seem directed at anyone in particular. But above all this my blog is for me, to clear my head, to work things out, to try to make sense of things, to remember them.

Lately I've had a strong urge to shave my head, change my name and just disappear into global vastness for some time. To just disconnect from everyone. Had I the money and no higher aspiration in life, I highly doubt it would just be a thought. This year has taken a lot out of me. I've lost two of the most important people in my life. The first was a best friend of ten years because of several disagreements. And though I suggested working out those differences, this friend instead stopped communicating with me completely. I considered this person not just a friend, but a sibling. And it's been tremendously difficult for me to simply remove his presence and forget that we had such a strong friendship for so long. I try to reason it with old generalized sayings like, "people change" but it just doesn't seem to validate it. And it's not really a matter of one person apologizing to the other, because it's very apparent that we each believe ours to be the better case. Perhaps in time, the issues won't seems quite as important and we will somehow reconnect. But the friendship will never be the same, it will never be as good as it once was. I grew up with this person, for many years he and I (and his brother)being the only ones that believed in our life goals, many times being the only ones to encourage each other, many times being the only ones to go to with personal crisises and if we ever return to friends, it's quite likely that it would be a watered-down version of our previous friendship.
And now I've lost another person, not from a fight, but because of a situation that could not be changed or was decided not to be changed, at this point the two seem to be blurry to me. It's safe to say this person was in many many ways closer to me than anyone has ever been in my life. I still can't reason much of it, from the incredible connection shared to the chance of us finding each other in such a large and random world in the first place. I'd rather not get into detail about this one, but suffice it to say we are not talking at this point. In honesty it is me, it is because I am not capable of it. I am far too hurt to pretend that being where we are at this point is ok with me. And I'm finding I'm even somewhat angry, I hate to be, but I have to accept that I am. I don't know if its at myself, the other person or just the situation. I guess it's a little of each. I know that will pass as I think it's more a devise of defense. But for right now, I cannot talk to this person, because I will only end up making things worse. And though I honestly don't know when we will be able to communicate again, I don't really want to ruin the possibility of it. I have so much accepting to do and it kills me. I know we won't be able to do many of the things that we had planned. Again I suspect that our friendship will never be as strong as it was, and that devastates me beyond comparison. But even if the hurt dissipates, there will always be walls now. There will always be a moment of awkwardness here and there. And there will always be the past. And what could have been.
I don't know how permanent these thoughts are; that wasn't the point of my writing them down. But looking at them as objectively as I can, that is what I think now. I feel very very much alone right now and I'm just trying to find some strength in that. Such is life I guess.