Forever Is a Long Time

I never want to drink or smoke again.

Last night was probably the most humiliating experience I've had in a really really long time. And it wasn't due to booze.

ShE was set to show in Manhattan last night. Kat, who played the lead role of Amy and myself had some postcard invites professionally printed up that looked quite nice and invited about 140 agents and managers and such. Maybe it was because we got them out a little late, or because it was the weekend, or just because, but none of the agents that we sent to came, well... I don't think so. So instead we just invited friends to the showing that we later learned had a five dollar admission fee. I brought my copy of ShE, Kat brought hers. My copy tends to skip, so I wanted to make sure we had a backup. So we get to this very hidden, swank place in midtown where it's showing. Probably about 10 friends show up. Which is great. We get in. We all pay for very pricey drinks. We sit and converse. And the presenter introduces the movie and me. I walk up do a short and sweet. Loiter a bit by the mic, cuz I don't know where the presenter went or where to put the mic, sit down and its starts. And then it skips. And skips. And skips. Not even 5 minutes in, I know there's no hope. I'm red-faced, I'm motified, there is a tornado inside my stomach churning with all kinds of bad feelings, my heart has literally stopped beating. But it's okay right? I still got that 2nd dvd. I grab it and go up to the presenter, who has turned house music on to cover the "technical difficulties" situation. He puts it in and fast forwards and gives it another go.

Yeah you guessed it. It fucking skips. And skips. And skips. At this point I am drinking any booze in reach. As people are offering them as sympathy drinks. Anything to shut out the sudden humiliation of it and the guilt of dragging friends to see it and pay to see it and pay for expensive drinks in addition and now the its not even playing, its not even playing, its not even playing, it's not even...

The presenter walks over to me and I spare him the awkward question I can see on his face. "Just stop it," I say. "Are you sure," asks he. "it's just going to keep doing this, and its not fair to the other people who are here to have people watch THEIR movies. It's okay, just stop it," I reinterate.

Just stop the pain!

All I can do is look over to Kat, who is sharing this experience with me. He wants me to get back up and give some kind of explanation. I think the audience deserves it, so I agree. I can't tell you really what it felt like. It was horrible. I must have been pretty drunk at that point, because I don't really remember what I said, or maybe I'm just blocking it out in my head.

I couldn't really take being in the place any longer, nor could the others in the group. The subsequent films were BAD, to the point that I really lost touch with all reality.

I collected our dvds and we all booked. One of the people in our group was quite kind enough to offer to show the group the movie at her apartment. And so we all went and watched.

I felt SOO terrible, for the friends who paid, for Kat definately, and yeah for me too. With all the crap thathas gone down over ShE, I just wanted to have one good experience with it. And I wanted the actress to have that as well. And it just blew up in my face. I am just REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY fucking glad no one in the industry showed up (that I know), because I would be feeling about 100 times worse.

The rest of the night I just drank and drank. Quite stupid. It had a lot to do with the showing. I was told repeatedly that I shouldn't feel bad about it, that it's not a reflection of me or my part in the movie. But it is. Or rather it is what it is. Perhaps I should just put my copy of ShE where it belongs, on the shelf. Because I am certainly not to going through that again.