New Leaves

Okay, so I have barely worked since Thanksgiving. The writer's strike, which I was in support of, crippled me financially. My bank accounts have dwindled to nearly zero. It has been very scary. Fortunately the government has helped keep me afloat. Still my resources are scarce. To make matters worse, that government help ended last week. So now I am just not making any income at all. WELL, was anymore. Fortunately this week has been bright. I have booked five days of work for the next two weeks. This may not seem like a lot. But for me to have 5 days I KNOW I am working, well that is just a great thing. After spending two horrible days in Rhode Island, I'm very glad to be working in Queens this weekend. Unfortunately I will be missing Kalju's homecoming party, which I was looking extremely forward to. But work is priority one at this point. And apparently they are trying to save the show, "New Amsterdam" which films in NYC, so hopefully they will start shooting that again. I am actually hopeful for the first time in a long time, that I will be working a lot in the coming months and getting out of this hole I am in.
Lately I have been looking to make certain changes in my life, maybe not changes, but more effort, more assertiveness. Fun, productivity, exercise. All my days need to contain at least two of those elements. It's nothing too different for me I guess, I am just going larger scale now. For fun, well in the last week and a half I think I have been doing alright. I spent a few days in Salem, MA. with Dave going out and getting all kinds of wasted. A quick run down of that time... bar hopping in the cold, shouting, Dave slapping me across the face for motivation or inspiration (one of the two), running into building windows, sneaking into the back door of a closing bar and getting them to serve us more drinks, actually I was not served, but the others were, piggy back riding and latching onto tree branches, skating on streets at three in the morning while being up to no good, taking pictures to prove it. Rinse and repeat. Then I hurried back to NYC so my hands could audition for a role. Then filming a scene for a movie I am making with some friends, and which will be discussed later. It was a crazy night of filming, there is behind the scenes footage, which will be provided at a later time. So yeah, I am trying to just keep busy day to day. I am coming up with new ideas, new ways to get my work out there, and I'm not afraid anymore to go beyond the standard of submitting your work. Hell, this is my career, I need to start building my life on it, and before any of that happens I need to be noticed. I am not running for office ever, if I get arrested for trespassing, so what. At least I am making an effort, at least I won't have regrets 20 years from now that I didn't try hard enough.

Wonderland

So, its March 7th. Hell, it's 2008. It's been a few months since I've last done this. There were a few reasons why I stopped blogging. The one I am going to talk about though is this: When I started writing here I was honest, I was open, I wasn't censoring for anyone, I didn't feel like I had to omit sections of my life. Whether that was a mistake or not, I really don't feel the need to consider at this point. But writing here slowly became an empty practice. There was so much of my life I felt like I couldn't discuss, even in a mostly anonymous forum, that writing about my life seemed to be pointless, because I wasn't really doing that. I was talking about what was safe to write about. Here is the truth, even if I still keep some shred of ambiguity to it. The last two and half years have been filled with extremes, a roller-coaster relationship that after all this time has exploded into a horrible situation. When the relationship started, it was fun, it was crazy, and I instantly fell in love with her. We had a connection I had never before felt, on every level we seemed to be made for each other. But there were always complications and there was always inevitability. I know the mistakes that I had made in the course of those two years. I know they didn't help matters. Some of it was just me having to grow up, some of it was because I was facing an extremely trying relationship and all my hope was put into someone who swore love to me, but never promised an intention to make changes so that we could actually truly enjoy what we had. And perhaps it was that more than anything else that slowly has worn me down to the point I have been at for the last several months. A mess. An unstable, emotionally-drained, insecure, dependent mess. Fuck, I would cry at television programs and be like, "holy shit, this shouldn't be making me cry! What is wrong with me?" It is difficult to describe such a mental state. I guess to simplify it, I'll just say I was depressed. There were a few times that I honestly thought about ending my life, because it was such a terrible feeling to endure. It felt like I had no control. My actions could push this person away, but they could never bring her closer to me, they would never cause her to make the change that we needed. I am not blaming her for this, she was honest about it, but then again, fuck, it is just too complicated to go down that road. I am not going to try to reason her side, right now this is for me. The internet is the bane of break-ups, isn't it? Myspace, facebook, blogs, all that shit, how do you stay away? Maybe some people just can. I went to her blog once after we finally split, she wrote about her relief that it was over and that her life is on the upswing. And that was it, it was the last time I said, the last time I would let her hurt me. It was my fault for going there. I am quite sure she won't be here, she is better at stuff like that than I am. Anyway, I am not writing this to retaliate, but I do feel like I need to write this down and just put it out there. I wish I hated her, I wish really that I felt nothing for her. It would make this all so much easier. And though there is still part of me that is mad at her, more than anything I miss her. I miss many things about her. And I doubt I will ever be completely over her as much as I try. The end was a disaster, maybe it had to be a disaster, maybe that was the only way it could truly end. I was an emotional wreck, she was mostly angry, it was the result of an endless cycle of "what are we." It is so difficult to love someone who feels guilty for loving you in return, someone who is constantly pushing away, and trying to simplify things by omitting a part of the relationship that you don't want to let go. I was always hopeful for some reason, and I think back now and just wonder why. All I was relying on was love, and in reality that is just not enough. And for some reason people who want to split with the other person find insult or assume you don't really care if you say you can't be friends after they've broken up with you. I don't quite understand that concept. You left, you wanted out, you're the one breaking my fucking heart every time you push away, but I am the bad guy because I don't want to continue a friendship that will only hurt me as I quietly want us to be together? It may work after some distance, after people have moved on, but it was never a good idea for the immediate plan. I've heard enough already that I am overly dramatic from her. Which to me is perplexing, when the entire relationship was always going to be dramatic or serious, especially as more and more time passed. Two and a half years! I remember thinking I can't let this continue more than a year unless things change. But I just kept hoping the more time passed, the longer were stayed together, the better the chances that we would make it. I have become a mess. Yes. But to ignore the situation and the impact that it has had on me, to ignore the fact that I have ALWAYS given this person all of me, that I moved what ever I could around for whatever time we could get to get together, that this person was my world and that I would have waited for her as long as it took just as long as she could accept what we had, to me that is either denial or indifference. And to twist shit around and make me feel like a pussy for feeling for someone that deeply and showing that, well that is just mean. I guess that is where my anger comes in. I don't know if I have anything else to say about this. I am just kind of free thinking.... And so the next step is to move on... I am trying... but I love her still, but I am trying.

A Little Rain with Your Day?

What a miserable morning. A call time of 6:30am to south street sea port. Trains are crap in the morning, donkey crap. It took an hour and a half, then the bonus of pouring rain. The kicker is the first two scenes are exteriors. The sooner this day is over and I'm back under blankets the better.
In other news I've been doing smashingly well with my writing goals. I breezed through 350 pages of deadland to finish my share of the edit, then I wrote installments for both Thorne and Airi. Then I wrote my query letter for "Paparazzo." Now I'm working on the pilot script for the "Dead Land' animated series. A lot and a lot of accomplishment right there. Creatively I'm kicking ass. I also am borrowing a piano keyboard from my parents. I've been wanting to learn how to play for a while and I'm finally getting around to it. I've already started recording my first piano based song, which I've been told has a 'the good, the bad, and the queen' feel to it, which I accept.
Its seems lately that I'm just being happy for people around me: my father, my sister, Kalju who should finally be finished with the army soon. Their happiness brings me some happiness. Eh, time to hit the rainy streets, every day can't be cush.

Pack Your Bags

A UN panel confirms it. We are fucked. The world is anyhow. Drastic loss of species in Europe, massive water shortages in Africa, furious heat waves and drought in the U.S. Levels of the sea rising, sinking coastal cities. That's the forecast for the world. Congrats human-kind! We're doing it. We're fucking over ourselves and every other living thing on this planet. Unless of course, we take immediate and drastic action now. But we won't because, let's face it, no one really cares if we fuck over the world. So let's keep it up, I want to see the world go to shit myself and I'm guessing if I die of old age I only got about 45 years left. So go buy a gas guzzling SUV for me and bring down this stupid planet, so we can all just get it the fuck over already.

In a hundred years Dead Land will be like the science fiction of the 1950's. Ain't that a hoot.

The Pen is Mighty

It kind of feels like I've just been trudging through life lately, trying to stay positive about shit while becoming a little more closed off to the world in actuality. I spent the weekend upstate. My grandfather on my father's side died last week. It was difficult for eveyone because he died in a house fire and we weren't really sure if he suffered or not. Not to mention it was covered quite a bit in the news. Fortunately after his autopsy it was found that we was not breathing during the fire. Still there was a loss in the family, horrible circumstances or not. I wasn't extremely close to him, he didn't seem very interested in any of his grandchildren to be honest about it. But I inherited his name and his passion for music. My grandfather didn't want a funeral or a wake and so some family convened at my father's house to celebrate his life. He was always easy to pick on, since he went by "Dick" instead of Richard or Rick or Rich, and at one point my step mother confessed that the week had been wearing and she was indeed wiped out on Dick. That's my family. Yesterday I just spent getting everything back in order since it was my first full day back in the city. I will say this: HSBC can suck me. I spent way too much time setting my affairs back in order, because they did not cancel my account when they should have. I made an awesome Salmon filet, I exercised, I wrote a bit. It was a pretty productive day, just what I needed after a few days of not getting much done upstate.
Writing is really the best thing for me right now. Life seems perpetually confusing and out of order no matter how I react to it and just not what I want it to be. But somehow when I'm writing it doesn't get to me so much. And so I work on 2 more Dead Land chapters, and then the Dead Land pilot script and then my animated concept. Yup, its all set up. And while I am doing this I will be exploring ways to present "Paparazzo" my most recent script and the Dead Land series. It's good to have a plan.

STRIKE!

For those of you not in the know, the Writer's Guild have called a strike. They will mostly likely carry this out tomorrow. You may have caught a blurb here or a headline there threatening late night show reruns and such if the writers do strike. Well when you're in the biz (that's right I'm cool like that) striking unions affect you directly whether you are a part of that union or not. The amazingly wonderful thing about film and TV is the amount of artists that are brought together to create it and if missing even one element, there is no finished product. So without writer's, actors soon are out of work because there is no material. So the writer's strike had certainly been a concern of mine. Not to mention that I consider myself first and foremost a writer and I plan on joining the WGA at the point. So their stances will some day actually BE my stances. I am in full support of the writer's strike. Bring that shit on I say. These people are not asking for the absurd here. All they want is to update their contract to account for new technologies that are bringing money into the producers exclusively. And these producers are trying to say they aren't sure internet downloads will become popular and dvd's don't generate much profit for them. Are you fucking kidding me??? Really! I'm gonna me some magic markers and a placard, I tell you. Point me to a picket line!!!

Cell Block C

So Friday I spent the day in jail. Riker's Island to be specific. Law and Order: Criminal Intent if you really want to know. I was playing a mentally fucked prisoner of the Riker's Island facility. They had the whole rainbow of types: biker dudes, Aryan looking skinnies, Hispanics, Blacks, an old white guy with glasses and two crazy-looking skinny white dudes. The beginning of the day was shit. It was a long bus ride to the Island, getting checked in by production and then by the prison. No breakfast. Waiting outside in the cold for wardrobe to give me a bag full of costume(yes, it really was cold, I'm not being a pansy.) Being harassed by the prisoners while waiting in that line. The pants were unreasonably tight around my waist. I was half-expecting my legs to fall off by the end of the night. But once we got inside and settled it wasn't quite so bad. I realized that I knew someone there and he just happened to be the OTHER crazy white dude. It wasn't long before they brought us to set, a prison cafeteria. The scene was unforeseeable fun! I rarely EVER have fun doing background. I mean sometimes it's fun working with friends and stuff, but the actual performing is never really fun. I mean how fun can doing a cross or pantomiming to someone else really be? But this!.... Crazy#2 and I were seated at the same table as the principal. The principal has an altercation with a guard or some authority figure and we have to react, and when we're not reacting to that, we just have to sit there and be weird. -I- can do THIS! I quite good at being weird. So I decided that my thing (since i had a tray of fish sticks and peas in front of me) would be I was intent on transporting all the peas individually from one side of the tray to the other with my spoon. Occasionally I would get upset with a pea and squash it with the spoon, warning the other peas the same could happen to them. Crazy2 meanwhile is biting his nails and twitching. Then another person comes over and we both become protective of our trays and shift away from him. It seemed like this was a little too much for production to handle and I thought the a.d. was going to come over and tell us to tone it down, but instead he wanted me to pretend that I had a dirty prison-bitch love thing going on with the guard the principal was speaking with. So when he walked away with the principal I looked over sad and longingly. And this was ALL going on right behind the main action. It was quite hilarious really, I was having trouble keeping a straight face. Especially when in between shots were we using plastic cups to try to dial 911 and an assortment of popular figures and tossing peas and consulting them like they were bones. The day ended up being incredibly amusing. Crazy2 and I had like senses of humor so we were constantly joking around for about 8 hours straight.
Yesterday was all about catching up with errands and chores. Today is about relaxing and finishing up some chores and Monday- Thursday I am working on a TV pilot. I think so anyway, I'm missing some details.