Wonderland

So, its March 7th. Hell, it's 2008. It's been a few months since I've last done this. There were a few reasons why I stopped blogging. The one I am going to talk about though is this: When I started writing here I was honest, I was open, I wasn't censoring for anyone, I didn't feel like I had to omit sections of my life. Whether that was a mistake or not, I really don't feel the need to consider at this point. But writing here slowly became an empty practice. There was so much of my life I felt like I couldn't discuss, even in a mostly anonymous forum, that writing about my life seemed to be pointless, because I wasn't really doing that. I was talking about what was safe to write about. Here is the truth, even if I still keep some shred of ambiguity to it. The last two and half years have been filled with extremes, a roller-coaster relationship that after all this time has exploded into a horrible situation. When the relationship started, it was fun, it was crazy, and I instantly fell in love with her. We had a connection I had never before felt, on every level we seemed to be made for each other. But there were always complications and there was always inevitability. I know the mistakes that I had made in the course of those two years. I know they didn't help matters. Some of it was just me having to grow up, some of it was because I was facing an extremely trying relationship and all my hope was put into someone who swore love to me, but never promised an intention to make changes so that we could actually truly enjoy what we had. And perhaps it was that more than anything else that slowly has worn me down to the point I have been at for the last several months. A mess. An unstable, emotionally-drained, insecure, dependent mess. Fuck, I would cry at television programs and be like, "holy shit, this shouldn't be making me cry! What is wrong with me?" It is difficult to describe such a mental state. I guess to simplify it, I'll just say I was depressed. There were a few times that I honestly thought about ending my life, because it was such a terrible feeling to endure. It felt like I had no control. My actions could push this person away, but they could never bring her closer to me, they would never cause her to make the change that we needed. I am not blaming her for this, she was honest about it, but then again, fuck, it is just too complicated to go down that road. I am not going to try to reason her side, right now this is for me. The internet is the bane of break-ups, isn't it? Myspace, facebook, blogs, all that shit, how do you stay away? Maybe some people just can. I went to her blog once after we finally split, she wrote about her relief that it was over and that her life is on the upswing. And that was it, it was the last time I said, the last time I would let her hurt me. It was my fault for going there. I am quite sure she won't be here, she is better at stuff like that than I am. Anyway, I am not writing this to retaliate, but I do feel like I need to write this down and just put it out there. I wish I hated her, I wish really that I felt nothing for her. It would make this all so much easier. And though there is still part of me that is mad at her, more than anything I miss her. I miss many things about her. And I doubt I will ever be completely over her as much as I try. The end was a disaster, maybe it had to be a disaster, maybe that was the only way it could truly end. I was an emotional wreck, she was mostly angry, it was the result of an endless cycle of "what are we." It is so difficult to love someone who feels guilty for loving you in return, someone who is constantly pushing away, and trying to simplify things by omitting a part of the relationship that you don't want to let go. I was always hopeful for some reason, and I think back now and just wonder why. All I was relying on was love, and in reality that is just not enough. And for some reason people who want to split with the other person find insult or assume you don't really care if you say you can't be friends after they've broken up with you. I don't quite understand that concept. You left, you wanted out, you're the one breaking my fucking heart every time you push away, but I am the bad guy because I don't want to continue a friendship that will only hurt me as I quietly want us to be together? It may work after some distance, after people have moved on, but it was never a good idea for the immediate plan. I've heard enough already that I am overly dramatic from her. Which to me is perplexing, when the entire relationship was always going to be dramatic or serious, especially as more and more time passed. Two and a half years! I remember thinking I can't let this continue more than a year unless things change. But I just kept hoping the more time passed, the longer were stayed together, the better the chances that we would make it. I have become a mess. Yes. But to ignore the situation and the impact that it has had on me, to ignore the fact that I have ALWAYS given this person all of me, that I moved what ever I could around for whatever time we could get to get together, that this person was my world and that I would have waited for her as long as it took just as long as she could accept what we had, to me that is either denial or indifference. And to twist shit around and make me feel like a pussy for feeling for someone that deeply and showing that, well that is just mean. I guess that is where my anger comes in. I don't know if I have anything else to say about this. I am just kind of free thinking.... And so the next step is to move on... I am trying... but I love her still, but I am trying.